Katarsa (heliocentrism) wrote in blades_edge,

Rays of light shone down on me and all my sins were pardoned.

I think I get more upset at being lectured by internet friends because I don't have a safety net with them. When Cassie (my best friend, I'd be lost without her) is disappointed with me, I know that she's upset/sad for me because she cares about me (not because it's the way she's supposed to react), and that even if she's disappointed, she still loves me.

DavidJM (an internet friend, we're v. close) and I talked tonight for a while (45-60 minutes) about me. I was fine with the me and drugs talk because we were sort of working together then, trying to hash out my problem and fix it. But then we moved into talking about why, and my opinion is that at least DEFINITELY with cigarettes, it's just an adaptation on my self injury. And so we started talking about me and cutting, which as you well know, I still have no earthly clue why I do it. I hate talking about my cutting with people who don't... get it. Which sounds stupid and childish, but you get it. You can understand on some level why I do it, how it helps. Fatty (another internet friend, but of three years and like a brother to me) never got it. David doesn't get it. Maybe it has to do with boys' minds versus girls' minds. Whatever the reason is, conversations and lectures always tend to reach a dead end once we hit Cutting. The other person gets frustrated and then I'm left with a huge desire to cut and to cry. Neither of which, obviously, are desirable (at least not after a discussion like that).

Really: I wish I knew why I did it, I wish I could blame it on self esteem, or boredom, or whatever. But it's like picking up a book, I don't mindfully think, "Hm, I'd like to cut myself!" It just sort of happens. I don't mindfully think, "Let's read a book, shall we??" I just pick up whatever is lying around and start reading. And then it gets to the point where I'm locked into the reading and the story, and cutting is like that too. How many can I make before it hurts? And at some level, I'm fascinated. I can actually -do- that to myself! I have no compunctions about carving into my own -flesh-. Seeing my own blood dribble out of its veins does not make me squirm or grimace. How twisted is that? I can do that. It's interesting, it's sick. And I mentioned to David, sometimes I get angry at the scars, and I don't think they're lovely, and I don't think they're ever going to heal over, and those are the times I have a cigarette instead. For a long long time (and still, usually), I didn't smoke around other people. Lighting up a cig was private, a solitary self destruction, it was indecent. I don't want other people looking in on that, you know? Even now, I'll smoke after I blaze to mellow out, or I'll have a cigarette while I'm out with Anne, but I don't like to smoke with other people. Social smoking has no appeal for me.

He said he had two qualms with me, and drugs was only the first. I asked him to disclose the other issue, but he refused, saying it was for another night. After we left our private channel and went back to another, we had this dialogue.

"David, please try not to be too disappointed in me," beseeched Kat, who was suddenly very sad and trying to brush it off.
"We'll talk about me being disappointed in you later, that's a talk for another night," murmured DavidJM with an aire mixed of disdain and authority.
"I didn't need any elaboration, it was just a request," explained the girl, only wanting to hear she was still loved.
"Well, I mean, you know I love you all the same," quoth David quickly. Kat looked forlornly at her hands, poised at the keyboard, looking for something to say. It was certain that she didn't feel like he loved her at all, not right then.

And really, we talked about that. He told me that he really did care, and that I wasn't just hurting myself, but people around me. I asked if that was actually true (it's a fact I have trouble believing, unclear as to why). He said, "well yeah. Why else would I talk like this to you? You think I enjoy lecturing? And giving these kind of talks?" And frankly, yeah, I do. I feel like people find it their duty as a friend, as a brotherly (sisterly?) figure, as a straight edge person, to lecture their friends who stray the path a little. And DavidJM didn't lecture as much as some people do, but I can't stow the feeling that people like him have talks like these because they like fixing people, not because they necessarily want me fixed.

Sorry it was sort of long, let me know if I need to lj cut this.
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